OK, so this actually happened 2 weeks ago, but I’ve been busy and frankly, didn’t think it was THAT funny. So here it goes….

I was driving home from work the other day, talking on my cell phone, smoking a cigarette and when I went to drink some soda out of my sippy cup, I set my hair on fire with my cigarette.

Yeah, I didn’t think it was that funny either…

I’m probably going to delete this later because it is so incredibly bitchy and evil so…

Okay, so I was walking back from the bank on Congress Ave. at lunch time and this woman stops me on the street. Thinking she was looking for a Cap Metro bus stop or some building downtown, I paused to see if I could be of assistance.  She proceeds to tell me this story about how she almost died this weekend and the drs. at the hospital gave her 4 prescriptions and she couldn’t fill them because she had no money. Oh, and that she was a Christian woman.

I don’t know why these panhandlers think i’m one of these nice, kindhearted, bottomless wallet people. I’m a heartless bitch who worked in manhattan for 8 years — I’ve seen and heard it all. I gave her the most sympathatic look I could and said in the sweetest voice I could muster I said:

“Well, it’s good that you’re a christian woman, because god will provide, right, because i’m certainly not.”

I’m definitely going to hell. I’ll save you all seats in the cool kid section.

Promise.

A computer at www.youtube.com has attempted an unsolicited connection to TCP port 3675 on your computer.

nice.

To the stupid girl driving the silver Scion on 1825 at 1:45 p.m. today…

I HATE YOU!!!!

Didn’t anyone ever tell you that it is incredibly stupid to tailgate in traffic that moving at 50 MPH. The guy in front of ME was riding his brakes on and off because of the moron in front of HIM. But you thought it would be smart to have the grill of your trendy little car 3″ FROM MY BUMPER.

You see, there are these really spiffy things called TRAFFIC LIGHTS and when they’re red, the cops that are hiding in the Taco Bell parking lot expect you to STOP AT THEM. This requires me to have to hit my brakes so I don’t plow into the guy in front of me setting off a chain reaction accident that will TOTALLY FUBAR everyone’s commute home. You’re so lucky that I am sick today, because when you honked at me at the red light in front of Walgreens I so wanted to get out of my car and KICK YOUR RHIANA-LISTENING TO ASS!!! Although, in retrospect, it would have been equally satisfying if I had just puked on your head.

This is the second time I’ve encountered you on my way home from work. Don’t let there be a third time or I’ll have to go medieval on your ass.

THIS IS AUSTIN, TEXAS, BIATCH, NOT MIDTOWN MANHATTAN, AND YOU’RE A LAME EXCUSE FOR A DRIVER, NOT A NEW YORK CABBIE! EMBRACE IT.

Oh, and your car looks like a toaster. Loser.