It’s back on YouTube!

Thanks for finding it Kim. You rule.

… my aunt will probably be sitting between Gianni Versace and Perry Ellis so they can bitch about what a fucking drama queen Issac Mizrahi is and make fun of Zac Posen’s hair.

My Aunt Caterina passed away on Monday. She had been fighting cancer for a little over a year. She worked for as a sample/pattern maker for many of the top designers in New York before she retired in 1993. She knew Gianni Versace when “he no one took him seriously at all.”

I used to call her Zizzi (prounounced zit-zie) because she didn’t want to be called “Aunt”.

“Ugh, I’m not an ant little one, I am Zia (pronounced tse-a).”

I couldn’t say it right and it came out “zit-zie” and that’s what I called her. Shut up I was like a year old! She even signed her cards to me Zizzi. Until Gaz and Rico decided to call her “Mitzi”. Then that’s how she signed her cards.

Mitzi taught me to sew and taught how to be a fashionista. She taught me about Prada, Valentino, Versace and Chanel. She always gave me a hard time when I wore Levis.

“You look like everyone else!”

And always gave me grief when I used to bite my nails when I was little. Coco Chanel was her hero. She couldn’t believe Cloe won on season 2 of Project Runway. She thought Jay was a moron for not taking the money and starting his line right away. She was a bit of a drama queen. My dad was her little brother. She always introduced my dad to her friends as “my little brother”. I think it pissed him off. It was awesome watching them argue in Italian when I was a kid. She didn’t speak to me for a week when I made my mom cut my waist-lenght hair into a bob when I was in 4th grade. She procrastinated. She hoarded paper towels and bottled water in anticipation of Y2K, which she called 2YK. I mocked her relentlessly for that (”paper towels?? WTF?”). When I blew the engine in my POS Oldsmobile, she let me drive her 1977 Malibu Classic (aka “the Smurfmobile”) for most of 1990 so I could wait until the new body style 1991 Formula 350s came out. She also co-signed the loan for me because I never had a car loan before. She mocked me relentlessly when I lost my license for 13 months because of the not-very-impressive speeding tickets I got with said vehicle.

I got to visit her over the summer when I went to New York with Michelle. No matter how well-dressed she was for 95% of her life, I’m always going to remember her like this:

Wearing a stupid AT&T hat and giving me grief for taking her picture with corn in her hands and cutting my hair again.

So you’re all wondering what happened on Friday.

3:00 p.m. rolled around and I was a little anxious, so Rico and I walked to the corner to meet Gaz just in case I had to be the grown-up that pulled her off Stupid Boy.

Stupid Boy started some crap. There was a bit of a ruckus (“Can you describe the ruckus, sir?) and then Stupid Boy’s friend (herineafter “Stupid Friend”) talked some trash and it looked like Gaz was going to throw down, but one of the moms with a stroller told them to knock it off before I could get there. (Thanks Stroller Mom, you rule.) I caught up with Gaz and her friends and this conversation ensued:

CE: So did you have to go to Principal [redacted]’s office today?
Gaz: Yes! And I had to go to Ms. [redacted name of counsellor]’s office. And we got in troulbe. Like, we all did.
CE: What? What happened? What did she say?
Gaz: That I can’t hit Stupid Boy EVEN IF HE HITS ME!!
CE: What?
Gaz: I know, right? And then Stupid Boy took [redacted name of Gaz’s friend]’s bag and I got it away from him and then Stupid Friend was being a jerk to [redacted name of one of Gaz’s other friends].
CE: What???? Ms. [redacted name of counsellor] said you couldn’t defend yourself? What????
Gaz: Ms. [redacted name of counsellor] said we shouldn’t hit each other.
CE: What???? Well maybe in Ms. [redacted name of counsellor]’s perfect world, no one hits each other, but…. Oh, that’s it. We end this now. Follow me girls.
Gaz: Uh-oh.
CE: *in Mom Voice* Stupid Boy! Stop right there.

I picked up Rico, and walked up to Stupid Boy and Stupid Friend, who had basically stopped dead in their tracks at the corner:

CE: Stupid Boy?
SB&SF: Yes ma’am?
CE: If you ever push, shove, kick or hit my daughter ever again, you’re going to be dealing with either me or MEH. Do you understand me?
SB&SF: Yes ma’am.
CE: And if you ever, push, shove, kick or hit [redacted names of Gaz’s friends] again, you’re going to be dealing with either me or MEH because one of us will go up to school and let them know what’s going on. Do you understand me?
SB&SF: Yes ma’am.
CE: Okay. Go.
SB&SF: Yes ma’am.

I really hate being called ma’am.

At this point, Gaz and her friends are all high-fiving each other and saying:

Whoa, Gaz, your mom rules!
Stupid Boy and Stupid Friend are never going to bother us again!
Thank you Ms. CE!

So I should be basking in the adulation of these lovely girls, right? Wrong. I’m pissed because Ms. [redacted name of counsellor] told my daughter she couldn’t defend herself. I’m pissed. I walk home with the kids, load them into the car and head up to school. There, I meet with Principal [redacted] . Who basically tells me that Ms. [redacted name of counsellor] is full of shit and that if Gaz is hit by someone off of school grounds all bets are off.

We went home and about 15 minutes later, Ms. [redacted name of counsellor] called. I spoke with her for about 20 minutes. During said conversation, Ms. [redacted name of counsellor] backpedalled all over the place saying that if Gaz interpreted the conversation they had as her telling Gaz she couldn’t defend herself that Gaz totally misunderstood her.

CE: You told her that she shouldn’t hit anyone, right?
MRNC: That’s right.
CE: Well, that sounds like not hitting someone back to me.
MRNC: Well, no one should hit anyone.
CE: Well, sure if we lived in a perfect world.
MRNC: I can tell you’re upset Mrs. CE.
CE: I’m not upset, I’m angry. You told my daughter that if someone, even if that someone is a boy, hits her, that it’s not okay to defend herself. I’m so annoyed that I even broke the cardinal rule of the playground and even called the school. If I knew Stupid Boy’s phone number, I would have just called her and made her aware of the whole situation and stopped it that way. Ugh! Anyway, I spoke to Stupid Boy and Stupid Friend and I don’t think there will be anymore problems.
MRNC: How would you feel if another parent spoke to Gaz that way?
CE: If she hitting someone’s child and they said the same thing to her, I wouldn’t see a problem with that. I would hope the parent would call me, too.
MRNC: Were you aware that Gaz and [redacted names of 3 of Gaz’s friends] were hitting Stupid Boy with their backpacks?
CE: You mean 2 weeks ago, the day that Stupid Boy punched [redacted name of Gaz’s friend] and gave her a bloody nose. I saw that. I can’t believe I was the first parent that even brought that to the school’s attention.

So the conversation ended with me requesting that when she called Stupid Boy’s parents to have Stupid Boy’s parents call me.

*about an hour later*

Stupid Boy’s mom called me. Stupid Boy’s mom was MORTIFIED. And apologized profusely and cannot believe that Stupid Boy would do something like OMG! HIT! A! GIRL!

Stupid Boy is apparently in reality a “lemming boy” who is following the lead of Stupid Friend, who is not a very nice kid. Mortified Mom has been not making a big deal about Stupid Friend because she wanted Stupid Boy to realize that Stupid Friend is bad news on his own because we all know that when we tell our kids not to hang out with a kid like Stupid Friend, that just makes them want to hang out with Stupid Friend even more. Mortified Mom was sick over Stupid Boy’s behaviour. I mean sick.

He has a sister! He knows you DON’T HIT GIRLS. EVER! You must be thinking “What kind of parents are they that their SON HIT. A. GIRL!”

I almost felt bad for the kid. Almost. I really felt bad for Mortified Mom.

He is so punished.

Stupid Boy was supposed to go on a camping/fishing trip this past weekend. That got called off. He is also grounded (i.e., go to school, come home. That’s it, no sports, no afterschool activities, no tv, no nothing.) for two weeks. And Mortified Mom is going to figure out a way to get Stupid Boy and Gaz and Gaz’s friends in one room so that he can apologize to them.

Mortified Mom seemed pretty nice and really felt bad and hoped that I didn’t think she was the. worst. parent. ever.

It looks like the problem is solved. By the end of the conversation, we were kidding around that Stupid Boy and Gaz’s friend with the bloody nose would probably end up dating in high school and Bloody Nose Friend will be able say, “Remember when you gave me a bloody nose when we were 9!”

Nice lady. Happy ending. Everyone gets a gold parenting star.

So there’s this boy at Gaz’s school. He hits girls. I know, right? He will be referred to hereinafter as “Stupid Boy”

Gaz walks to and from school almost every day. About two weeks ago, on my way home from picking up Rico, I passed her and a couple of her friends. Gaz was wailing on Stupid Boy with her backpack. When she got home, I asked her about the incident and she explained that he had pushed her friend to the ground and grabbed her bag and was going to throw it over the walkway. Gaz intervened and prevented certain disaster. I asked who the boy was and made a mental note of Stupid Boy’s name so if anything similar happened again, I’d know what was going on. Gaz wasn’t upset about it, she had handled the situation and we both assumed Stupid Boy would be smart enough not to fuck with Gaz again.

Yesterday afternoon Gaz came into the house furious. I mean furious. You do not fuck with the females of the Evil Household(TM). Apparently, Stupid Boy has no functioning brain cells at all and decided he was going to push Gaz. Gaz kicked him (as she was taught by Maniacally Evil Husband). She aimed for his boy bits, but missed and ended up kicking him in the thigh. Probably still pretty painful, but not painful enough to prevent Stupid Boy from kicking Gaz in the shin. Gaz’s friend grabbed Stupid Boy and threw him into a fence. Nice.

Well, I broke the cardinal rule of the school yard and called the school and told to Gaz’s teacher about it. She knew there had been incidents with Stupid Boy, but apparently I was the first adult to officially bring it to the school’s attention. We had a talk and she’s shares my philosophy that if someone hits you, you defend yourself. She agrees with me that the “self-defense policy” is basically a crock of shit.

Self-Defense Statement

In order for self-defense to be considered or applied by an administrator following a fight or assault, the following must apply (1) the student was making every effort to seek assistance from an adult (2) made a compelling effort to avoid conflict (3) there was no prior verbal or physical provocation and/or contribution which could have caused or escalated the event. With that understanding then the following may apply: a person is justified in using force against another when and to a degree he/she reasonably believes the force is immediately necessary to protect himself/herself against the other’s use or attempted use of unlawful force. The use of force against another is not justified as a response to verbal provocation. Students should make every effort to avoid confrontation and inform a school administrator if another student is intimidating/harassing him/her.

We in the Evil Household(TM) live by the rule of “Boys Don’t Hit Girls. Ever.” with the exception of siblings, then all bets are off because said female sibling probably deserved to get clocked by her brother.

So today, Gaz will be called to the principal’s office to tell her tale of confrontation. Apparently, Stupid Boy is really, really stupid because he’s been hitting quite a few girls. Stupid Boy will also be meeting with the principal after Gaz’s meeting. Gaz is pretty freaked out about having to go to the principal’s office so we had to stress to her that SHE IS NOT IN ANY TROUBLE. For now.

According to the school’s Code of Conduct(TM) the above incident(s) fall under the “Seriouse Consequences” disciplinary category. Possible Serious Consequences are as follows:

Removal from classroom by teacher
In-school suspension
Detentions
Suspension
AEP Placement
Expulsion where allowed or required by law

I don’t know what’s going to happen to Stupid Boy, but MEH and I sat down with Gaz last night and put together a contingency plan if Stupid Boy: (a) doesn’t get sent home today after his meeting with the principal; and (b) is truly stupid and decides it’s a good idea to hit Gaz this afternoon on the way home from school in retaliation for whatever happened at said meeting.

We basically showed Gaz how to mess Stupid Boy up. Gaz is an athlete. She’s got strong legs and a serious right hook. Stupid Boy will be bleeding and in pain when she gets through with him. The extent of that pain will depend on how pissed off Gaz is. We told her to make sure she’s yelling, “BOYS. DON’T. HIT. GIRLS. EVER!!!” the whole time she’s beating him and not to stop beating him until: (a) he apologizes for being a miserable example of a male of the human species; (b) a grown up pulls her off of him; or (c) she’s bored with beating him. We warned Gaz that Stupid Boy may: (1) cry; (2) bleed; or (3) hit her back. God help Stupid Boy if (3) happens. Just sayin’.

We told Gaz that if the above scenario becomes reality that she is to tell me about it immediately when she gets home. This way, when Stupid Boy’s mom or dad calls or shows up at my door to inform me that my daughter beat up his/her son, I can laugh and hang up or shut the door in their face.

We also warned Gaz that she was probably going to be sitting in the pricipal’s office on Monday morning. Something tells me that Stupid Boy has Stupid Parents and will probably call the school about this.

Ugh.

When trying to send a fax. It’s usually a good idea to plug in the fax machine’s phone line.

That is all.