MEH & I are going out tonight. Together. I know, right?

We’re going to see Bradley’s band, show, not sure, but MEH went a couple of months ago and said it was amazing and that the DVD didn’t do it justice. Anyway, it’s called Chant and since the album’s coming out soon (if it’s not out already) this might be the last time I’ll be able to see Bradley live in the Austin area for a while.

We took Rico’s teacher, Mr. K., up on his offer to babysit (or “big boy sit” as Rico says) tonight. Mr. K was pretty psyched when I asked him to sit for Rico tonight. They were planning on playing catch, because Rico has taken an interest in playing baseball and we’re going to sign him up for t-ball next year. However, it’s rained almost everyday this week. We have drainage issues with our backyard (stupid builder - grr!). I kid around and say we live in Shrek’s house because the backyard is like a swamp right now. So no playing catch tonight. So Rico & Mr. K are going to go to Saccone’s for pizza and then come back to the house to hang out and watch movies.

Gaz is sleeping over her friend Vannah’s house and is pretty excited about being out of the dog house. She’s been working really hard on getting her grade back up to where they’re supposed to be and has been reading like a fiend in order to get the AR points she needs by April 13.

MEH & I haven’t really gone out in a long time. I think the last time we went out was for Candy’s birthday, which was like 2 years ago. Candy is one of the cheer moms from Gaz’s former gym, so I don’t think that actually counts because it was one of those things we had to go to. Neither MEH or I get out much. Since business started really picking up in October and since MEH started working at his new job, plus the kids insane schedules, we haven’t had much time together. It’s been better since MEH stopped working nights, but whatever time we have together is usually spent watching TiVo or doing stuff around the house. Oh, yeah, and we’re usually broke, too.

So when we do go out, it’s usually I go out with my friends and MEH goes out with his friends. The last time I went out was to meet Carrisa & Jen in Dallas and the time before that was when Michele & I went out with Scott on 6th Street.

MEH has gone out a couple of times. The guys call this a kitchen pass. One weekend in January, MEH got to go out on Friday and Saturday night. That instance earned me the title Best. Wife. Ever. because that particular Saturday was our anniversary. Yup, I rule.
Tonight should be fun because we’re going out with Scott, J & Robo — guys who used to work with MEH. We had them all over for a BBQ last summer and since then they’ve been bugging us to get a sitter for the kids so that I could all go out together. Based my reputation for being evil and mad skillz at playing “Choose Your Victim”, I’m apparently been dubbed “cool to hang with”. Whatever.

Last night, MEH had no idea who was going tonight. It was questionable as to whether Robo was going to come out because he has a new girlfriend and it might be weird if there were people from [the company which was MEH’s former emloyer] there. So they were planning on going to San Marcos for some singalong instead of going out with us. So I called his voicemail and left him a message where I basically called him a girl for wanting to go to some stupid Karaoke thing instead of hanging out with us because *gasp* there might be some drama. Give me a break. I reminded him that it had been years since MEH and I got to go out together and the opportunity may not present itself again in this decade. I called J and he was on board. He said Scott was sick so he didn’t know if Scott was going out or not.

CE: Sick? How sick?
J: He had a fever for a couple of days and has a sore throat.
CE: Waah! Tell him to take some Tylenol and suck it up and go out. Jeez, it’s not like he’s puking or something.
J: Well, call him and tell him that because he’s over Meredith’s.
CE: Oh sure, he’s not sick enough to go over his girlfriend’s, but he’s too sick to go out with me. Fine.

Scott just called and he’s going. We’re going to grab some dinner, so my afternoon just got insane because I have a craft show to do tomorrow morning and have to load in tonight after 6:00. Why do I do this to myself? Ugh!

Shit, I better get moving.

So yesterday I told you about Rico and his mad game.
Exhibit B
Right before spring break I had to drop off an order at a local cheerleading gym. The [Name of the town where I live] High School Cheerleaders were getting ready for practice. I brought Rico with me and we were waiting for the coach to come over so I could give him the order (as well as the all important invoice).

We were standing next to one of the girl’s gear bags, which had the name “Ashlee” embroidered on it and a fleece boa like this:

but in [Name of the town where I live] High School colors sticking out of one of the pockets. “Ashlee” came back into the gym and put her phone in the bag. Rico looked at her and said:

Rico: You have a scarf.
Ashlee: [smiles] So and so’s mom made them for us.
Rico: Is that your bag?
Ashlee: Yes, see here’s my name on it right here. Ashlee.
Rico: Hi Ashlee, my name is Rico.
Ashlee: Well, nice to meet you, Rico.

Smooth.

MEH’s friend’s reaction, “I bet if he asked, she would have given him her phone number.”

We’ve also discovered that Rico doesn’t discriminate when it comes to age, either.

Exhibit C
Last Friday I picked Rico up after school. The teacher who runs the Special Ed department at his school as well as teaches first grade is carrying Rico, which in and of itself is weird because they kind of frown on that. She hands him off to me and says “I have to tell you what happened this morning”. Here it is:

So this morning I had this wand with me because we’re doing a modified “Wizard of Oz” play. It’s one of those musical ones.

So I go over to [Rico’s teacher’s name] and I go [waves hand and imitates musical wand sound] “You’re a monkey.” So Rico comes running over and says, “No, Miss [Coordinator’s name], you have to say the magic words, ‘Abracadabra’.” So I say to him, “Okay, Abracadabra, you’re a frog!” He puts his arms out, puckers up his lips and he says, “Quick kiss me and turn me into your Prince Charming!” Is that great or what? I can’t wait for him to be in my first grade class!

Great, he’s flirting with his teachers now.

When I used to work in an office, there were times when I was caught up on all my work, but I needed to sit there and look busy. I never understood why it was frowned upon to read an actual book, but playing mindless games on my computer were okay as long as I ALT+Tab’d when someone came around the side of my cubicle where they could see my monitor.

I think Steen, must be an expert at the art of looking busy. First, you send me the link to this 3D Logic Puzzle that took me 3 hours to get through all 30 levels and now I can’t stop reading the posts on Overheard in the Office. I hate you, Steen — not really — but I actually have work to do!

Although, I found a couple of posts from offices I’ve worked in:

12PM They Decided to Go Dutch and Think about Sex with Other People

Male coworker: Hey, Liz*, let’s go to the movies tonight.
Female coworker: Are you gonna pay?
Male coworker: Are you gonna put out?

277 Park Avenue
New York, New York

and

4PM So We Can Punish the Innocent

Employee to systems guy: So, first of all, we want the truth.

1400 Douglas Street
Omaha, Nebraska

Small world.

For those of you who didn’t know, my six year old son, Rico, is autistic. He’s high functioning autistic, so we don’t have to deal with a lot of the issues that other parents of autistic children have to deal with. His neurologist said that an autistic person’s brain is like bad telephone service — with lousy local connections but outstanding long distance connections. Rico has come a long way from the silent little boy he was when he was first diagnosed 3 years ago. I give most of the credit to the teachers at his school, who have figured out how to teach him. He’s a smart kid. He’s great on the computer, he can draw really well, he has a twisted sense of humor, he can do a decent roll on his drum set and he sings with perfect pitch.

His major issue is with verbal communication. We used to say that having conversation with Rico was like talking to a politician, he would tell you what you want to hear. “Did you have a good day at school today?” would be answered with “I had a good day at school today.” and nothing else unless you asked specific questions and then he’s basically repeat back what you asked, only in answer form. It was like dealing with a hostile witness.

He’s improved so much this past school year. It’s amazing. He talks more and and you can actually converse with him now.

We also discovered something else — he has mad game. This is why we call him Rico, as in Rico Suave.

game - n. [geym] - a measure of smoothness with the opposite sex.

You may have read the story about him flirting with the high school cheerleading coach. Well, the boy’s got some major skillz evidenced as follows:

About 2 months ago, we brought Gaz to cheer practice. I didn’t have any errands to run, so I hung out and watched and Rico was playing with some of the other siblings. One of the moms asked me a question about making spirit gifts for her daughter to exchange at individual nationals and I took my eyes off Rico for a second. He disappeared. I looked in the bathroom and game room. No Rico. One of the girls from the senior team was sitting on the sofa in the lobby texting someone. I asked if she had seen Rico. “I think he’s in the kitchen with the other girls on my team.” I went into the kitchen where there are about 7 members of the senior team — all super cute high school girls — and he’s sitting on someone’s lap. Oh how cute, you say. Um, no.

CE: Hey dude, what are you up to?
Rico: [looking like he’s busted, jumps off girl’s lap] MOMMY!!!
CE: [to ridiculously cute high school-aged girls] Has he been flirting with you guys?
Cute Girl #1: [laughs] OMG!
Cute Girl #2: He is soooooo sweet.
Cute Girl #3: He came in and was all like, “I’m Rico, what’s your name?”
Cute Girl #4 & 5: [who happen to be flyers on the team] He calls us “supergirls” because we can fly! Get it? Isn’t that the cutest thing?
Cute Girl #6: [who had Rico on her lap] He’s so cute! I gave him some of my fries, is that okay?
Cute Girl #7: [swooning] He is so adorable!!!
Rico: Mommy, I was talking to the Supergirls!
CE: That’s great, Rico, let’s go now, no more scamming fries off unsuspecting cheerleaders.
Rico: Okay.
Cute Girls #1, 2, 3, 4, 6 & 7: Bye Rico!
Rico: Bye.
Cute Girl #6: Bye, Rico, give me a hug.
Rico: [hugs Cute Girl #6 and puts his arms up towards her shoulders] Pick me up.
Cute Girl #6: [leans down to pick him up]
Rico: I want to kiss you.
CE: Whaa????
Cute Girl #6: [gives Rico her cheek] Oh, you’re so cute!
Rico: [kisses Cute Girl #6] Mwah!
Cute Girls #1-7: Bye Rico!!!
Rico: Bye Girls!

Not bad for a kid who didn’t talk much until a year ago.

… to be continued …

Remember when your mom told you not to hang out with that one girl in your class? Even though said girl never actually got caught doing anything really bad? You know, that girl who was the evil mastermind behind all the chaos at school, but no one could actually prove it?

Apparently, I’m that girl.

Okay, so I always known I’m that girl. They don’t call me Creatively Evil for nothing. I guess I’ve just never seen my “evil influence” demonstrated in the blatantly obvious way as it has on my dear friend [redacted to protect her reputation or something like that] (hereinafter “Opa”).

Opa and I have been friends since Gaz and her daughter were in Kindergarten together at [redacted name of local parochial school] School. When I first met Opa, I thought, “Wow, this chick is entirely too nice and way too into God for me to hang out with.”

I’m a lapsed Catholic. I believe in God, but don’t believe in all the hulabaloo (is that even a freakin’ word?) associated with church, religion, etc. The hipocracy of the whole thing. Something like the biggest coke dealer in my high school going up to receive Communion on Sunday morning and not being struck dead on the spot may have a lot to do my forming that opinion.

I’ve always been really leary of overtly religious people. They kind of freak me out. The whole “give it to God” and “put it in God’s hands” and “God will provide” just strikes me as bullshit. God never paid my Visa bill, okay and God wasn’t there to tell me I was an idiot when I chose pled guilty to speeding (much less than I was actually driving) in Parsippany Municipal Court instead of fighting the stupid ticket because the cop didn’t show up to testify, which would have kept me under the point limit for the year and hence, helped me to avoid the chain of events that followed which caused me to lose my driving privileges in the state of New Jersey for 13 months. But that’s a tale for another day.

Personally, I think God has a sense of humor. I think he doesn’t have an appreciation for my twisted sense of humor, but we kind of have an understanding. I don’t blame him or his entourage for my problems and he doesn’t strike me dead on the spot when I make my rare appearance at church. (Maybe that’s the deal the coke dealer made, I don’t know.) My opinion is that God’s got his hands full with other more important and complicated stuff than to deal with my problems. I think people give God a lot more credit for shit that happens everyday than he deserves. In the words of Dennis Miller, that’s just my opinion, I could be wrong. If I am, I’m surely going to hell. I’ll probably end up being the event planner. Don’t worry, I’ll remember my friends. Shoot me an e-mail or text me, I’ll hook you up V.I.P. passes.

What was I talking about?

Oh, yeah… Opa and how she’s really nice and I’m really a bitch and how we really had no business hanging out together.

Our girls got along really well, so we started to hang out together. We had a lot in common. We both sew, we both were into scrapbooking and we’re both crafty bitches (okay, so she never referred to herself as a “crafty bitch”). We got along really well. We started working on sewing projects together. I have a tendency to curse when I sew. I, like Will Smith, appreciate “motherf@c4@r” as my curse of choice when bobbins jam, needles break, or some other sewing mishap occurs. One day, a pin broke the needle on Opa ’s machine and she dropped the motherf@c4@r bomb.

I know, right?

Here was this really nice, sweet, God-fearing woman dropping the motherf@c4@r bomb. Snap.

Fast forward a year….
We move to our new house in another town, Gaz is in public school, Opa and I don’t hang out as much because both our respective sets of children have us running around all over the place. We basically talk on the phone during Nip/Tuck season. See here and here.

Fast forward another year or two…
Well, my business has been really busy lately and Opa’s been working with me. She rules that way. She came over the night before our first really big event and stayed up until 2 in the morning getting last minute stuff done and then proceeded to work her ass off with me the next day. Did I say she rules that way? Just checking.

However, Opa’s developed this “f#@k it” attitude lately. I kid around with her and say that I’m a bad influence on her. Case in point, here’s a recent blog entry of hers:

office space has the answers…

It is Sunday afternoon and i am hanging out. I started watching office space.which I hadn’t until last year. I am like the main character. A person would didn’t know what he wanted to do when he got older . Also, a huge push over, a people pleaser and have a dull life. Then one day he decides….F*$# it! well, I have had that moment myself. I am tired of taking other people’s crap. Life is so muh better when you don’t care what other people think. I have learned that along time ago. The thing is to apply it. I forgot that for a while. I am starting to get back in the groove of things…

Things that make me laugh….. ” I am a people person” ” Have you seen my red stapler?”" Requied to wear 15 pieces of flare” ” I going to stop going to work” ” I set the building on fire” “Can you walk me through your work day” “it was nice talking to you guys, good luck with your firing”

Life is good

I don’t think I’m kidding anymore. I feel really bad about this. Sort of.