I was born in Brooklyn and grew up in central Jersey. I’ve been living in Texas for about 6 years now. However, I live in Austin. Most people who live in Austin don’t qualify as true Texans since Austin is just such a weird, un-Texas place, or so I’ve been told by other inhabitants of the Lone Star State, say, people from Dallas, San Antonio and Houston. But I digress. There are so many things for a transplanted “Nor’easter” to love and hate about living in Texas. Here’s my list:

Things I Love About Living in Texas:

1. It can be 80° on any given day in January, February, March or April. (proviso: It can go down to 30° the next day)
2. No snow.
3. You can buy a 2 story, 5 bedroom, 3,800 sq. ft. house for $200K or less.
4. Cheap car insurance.
5. You can order a margarita and the bartender doesn’t hate you.
6. The highway system is set up with frontage roads so if you’re on the main highway you can really haul ass.
7. The speed limit is 70 mph.
8. No state income tax.
9. When you buy a car, the sales tax isn’t factored into your financing, you pay it separately.
10. Most of the shopping centers/stores in my area are new.
11. The shopping centers are repetitive every 5 miles or so. Meaning if you drive up I-35 North, there’s a Target, Walmart, Home Depot & Lowe’s then the next big strip mall about 5-10 miles up the road has a Target, Walmart, Home Depot & Lowe’s.
12. People are really nice, most of the time.
13. It doesn’t rain for most of the summer.
14. Baby A’s
    
15. They bag your groceries.
16. A full set of solar nails if $40 — fills are $20.
17. Steak is cheaper than chicken.
18. HEB’s Meal Deal & Combo Loco
19. Saccone’s Pizza - yeah, I know they’re from Jersey so that doesn’t really count.
20. We’re 2,800 miles away from our nearest blood relative.

Things I Hate About Living in Texas:

1. The beaches, when you drive 4 hours to get to one, suck. And I’m sorry, I don’t consider the Gulf of Mexico the ocean.
2. Lack of certain food: Ronzoni pasta, Italian bread, Rye bread and no tiramisu — seriously, I couldn’t even make tiramisu — none of the grocery store manager’s even know what marscapone cheese is — or lady fingers for that matter.
3. It’s like 70° at Christmas and that’s just wrong on too many levels to count.
4. People drive like idiots here no matter what the weather.
5. 4 way lights. everywhere. (probably because of item#4)*
6. Fire ants.
7. There’s sales tax on practically everything, even clothes, WTF? And it’s 8%, which, for the math-impaired like me, is a bitch to do in your head after living for 36 years with 6% sales tax.
8. You have to pump your own gas.
9. Football is practically a religion here.
10. There are no non-parochial private schools within a 50 mile radius of where I live.
11. People are really pushy about church and look at you weird if you’re “really not into organized religion”.
12. Psycho cheer moms.
13. That 2 story, 5 bedroom, 3,800 sq. ft. house — it costs about $400 a month to air condition during the summer — “summer” runs from May to November.
14. That same 2 story, 5 bedroom, 3,800 sq. ft. house — cost about $300 a month to heat in the “winter”.
15. Winter can come literally the day after summer — (see item # 1 of “Love” list).
16. The school year runs from August to May — spring break is at the same time as most colleges in the country.
17. SXSW
18. Ironically, the “live music capital of the world” has the worst. radio. stations. ever.
19. People are either “flaming liberals” or “wingnut conservatives” — there really is no middle ground.
20. Enough about fucking Longhorn football already!

I know this qualifies as possibly the lamest entry ever but I’m busy ripping my newly colored hair out of my head as I wrestle with Photoshop on a design I’m working on for a t-shirt. Pray for my sanity. and my hair.

Thanks.

*Clarification on “Hate” Item #5. A 4 way light is like a 4 way stop only with traffic lights.

“There are many positives with ADD, including a surplus of ideas, creativity, excitement, and interest which accompany this kind of mind.” - Sari Solden, “Women With Attention Deficit Disorder.”

I’ve got 35 minutes to write this post because I’m sitting here with hair color on my head and I may be getting a phone call from a friend asking me to help her cover up a murder — because friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. — Don’t ask.

On my way to pick up Rico at school yesterday, I “heard” this breaking news story on the radio:

Police have been called to the location of the Austin Women’s Health Clinic after reports of a suspicious-looking package that may contain a bone in the parking lot.

Turns out there was a suspicious-looking package (a carryall) that did, in fact, contain a bomb in the parking lot.

There’s a lot of Hello Kitty merchandise out there just screaming to be purchased. Just saying.

I read this story:

44-year-old Rocky R. Lemon was in charge of a company called TCL healthcare, which owned or operated nursing homes in Texas, Oklahoma, and California. The state took over 14 of those facilities back in 2001 after the company could no longer afford to pay the staff. Prosecutors say that’s because Lemon was diverting Medicaid and Medicare payments to his personal bank accounts, costing taxpayers more than four million dollars. The judge who sentenced him to prison on health care fraud and money laundering charges also ordered him to repay the money that was stolen.

and thought of Say Anything. Then Google’d John Cusack and then spent a better part of the day with “Joe Lies” stuck in my head.

I know, right?

I’m still tweaking the template here because the line spacing in the body of the entries is just a bit much. In an effort to find the code to fix this problem, I ended up here and wasted about an hour playing Frogger.

I went to the Blogger’s Choice Awards website to see how I was doing. Not that I have any chance of winning, but I was curious. Can someone please explain to me how this person can possibly be beating this person in this category? Seriously, I know hot and even with bed-head she is a bazillion times hotter than her. I’m very “The Emperor’s New Clothes” about Dooce and that little voice of restraint is currently screaming, Oh, CE, you shouldn’t write things like that, the “doocelings” make your comment section cry stars for voicing your opinion of the supreme being. Oh boo, whore! — last time I checked the First Amendment was still in effect. Oh, and my complete lack of the sexay, doesn’t hinder my ability to recognize the sexay. So bring it on bitches!

I ended up not eating lunch yesterday because there was no more left over lasagna. *cries* I made lasagna the other night using this recipe which Carrisa recommended from Pioneer Woman. I used ricotta cheese instead of cottage cheese because, dude, seriously cottage cheese. Out of curiosity, I did some research and apparently, some professionals use cottage cheese when making lasagna — so what the hell do I know? Except that if I used cottage cheese when making lasagna my Sicilian grandmother would spin like a CD in her grave.

Well, have to go rinse the color out of my hair. Hopefully, this time the auburn I picked didn’t turn out too purple. Wish me luck!

I spent the better part of yesterday and up until about an hour ago this morning working on this for Gaz.

I know, right? Be amazed.

Considering it took me about 3 days (*screams*) to get the template for this blog to work (sort of) the way I want it to. I am an html savant, so it’s all gravy when anything around here works.

Anyway, this is my ticket to preserving my sanity this summer. I set up the blog primarily so that she can post summaries about the books she’s going to be reading for the summer reading program. She’s going to start reading Harry Potter’s Goblet of Fire (as soon as I can get to Barnes & Noble to buy it), but since it’s such a huge book, she reads other books at the same time. This in and of itself is amazing because last school year I had to actually pay her $1.00 per book or else she wouldn’t have even come close to the minimum number of AR points she needed. Bribery is such a wonderful parenting tool! Needless to say, Both MEH and I were pretty happy when Gaz finally discovered that she didn’t hate reading, she just hated the books she was reading. MEH and I are pretty psyched about this because: (a) it’s so much cheaper and (b) both of us are such book whores, we were horrified that our child hated to read.

She’s pretty excited about the whole thing, especially the skulls in her background. Being the trendsetter that she is, there will be a bunch Baby BIFFs running around the internet by the end of the summer. I’m apologizing now to the interweb in the event that this comes to pass.

I have a feeling I’m probably going to end up having to buy another computer soon.

So go check out her blog.

Oh, and cut her some slack. She’s ten.

Let me preface this all with, it’s not cool to speak to your children in a threatening, disparaging manner and a high decibel (hereinafter “yell”) for no reason whatsoever.

But let’s face it, those of us that are parents of human children yell at said children. Most of the time it’s because the child (or in my case — children) insist on:

1. doing things that will endanger their life and limb;
2. doing any number of things that endanger the sanity their parent(s) (see: item #1);
3. screaming bloody murder while playing somewhere, despite being warned that screaming in this fashion is reserved for the case in which either said child, child’s brother/sister or friend/playmate is: (a) bleeding profusely; (b) vomiting; (c) dead. (note: screaming in this manner is allowed, however, if child sees a motherfucking snake in the motherfucking yard whether it be dead or alive);
4. doing things that said parent has warned said child never to do again (see: item #1 & item #2)

Any parent who says they don’t yell at their kids is a great big liar. Don’t get me wrong, there is a difference between yelling and yelling.

So help me God, if you two don’t knock it off right this second, I’m going to beat you both with a stick!

This is something you will hear me say around the Evil Abode — and much to my chagrin, in public (see: Target) as well. My kids don’t take the this seriously. Rico takes it a step further, responding with:

Don’t beat me with a stick, Mommy!

Please note he’s got a giant grin on his face trying to keep from laughing his ass off.

That said, would everyone please for the love of sweet baby Jesus, just stop already about the Alec Baldwin voicemail message! OMG!

And you people out there who have no children, please just shut the fuck up!

For the past three days that’s all I’ve heard on the radio in the morning. Just stop! Amy from the Bobby Bones Show — who’s such an expert (sarcasm) — thought it was completely inappropriate, but in the next breath was saying it was okay to hit your kids because thats discipline. WTF? Seriously.

The most offended moms are probably the worst hypocrites. I know the type, the moms who was act so shocked when:

OMG she’s yelling at her kid for [insert unacceptable behavior here]! Someone calls Child Protective Services, because that’s abuse!

Dude, I’ve seen some of you dress your kid down for losing her freakin’ scrunchie, but oh, it’s okay when she made another kid cry because she called them a loser. Get a freakin’ grip, lady!

We’ve all (and I’m not just talking about parents here) told someone off in a moment of frustration or anger and we later regretted it. Some of us have even left a paper/voice trail evidencing such rant. Luckily, for most of us unknowns, we haven’t had said voicemail aired for the world to hear. It truly sucks to have what you thought was private become public. It’s embarrassing to have strangers who have no clue about the situation hear you lose your shit and then judge you.

Alec Baldwin and Kim Bassinger are divorced. They have a tween daughter together. I’m not going to even venture a guess as to what their issues are, but I know how Tween girls can be. I live with one. At times, they can be inconsiderate, demanding, selfish, self-absorbed, bitchy, whiny, [insert not very flattering adjective here], hormonal drama queens. Sometimes as a parent of a tween, you wonder aloud:

Who are you and what have you done with my darling little girl?

If you’re human, sometimes your tween girl will push you over the edge and you just lose your shit. You regret it later, and apologize, you feel like shit. You try to explain that you were really angry with her behavior and lost your cool. That you’re human and make errors in judgment. You tell her that you love her, even if things she does and says make you not like her very much sometimes. You both promise each other that you’ll think before you say anything next time. You feel horrible about the whole incident.

Alec Baldwin is human (I think). He lost his shit. He sounded very “I have had just about enough of this shit”. He called his daughter a thoughtless little pig. Yes, that was wrong , I’m sure he knew that the second he hit the disconnect button on the phone. He probably feels like the. worst. person. ever.

So give him a break and shut the fuck up already. Or if you’re perfect, go ahead and join the other holier-than-thou types and cast a stone.

Gaz, like her mom, has always had an eclectic taste in music and has never been the “typical girl”. Sure, Gaz jumped on the whole Hilary Duff bandwagon and I actually got us floor seats for the concert at the Irwin Center (the show was actually okay, believe it or not). She lost interest after a while. She knows the difference between punk and “punk” and rock and “rock”. The first song this child ever sang from start to finsh was “You Shook Me All Night Long” — she was 2 — get the picture? We both have a place in our hearts for No Doubt, so when Gwen’s solo album was released, we were both pretty bewildered. And so our hate for “Hollaback Girl” and all things “Gwen minus the rest of the band” was born. Unfortunately, every other girl on the planet lurrrved this song about a allegedly slutty girl who decides to kick some cheerleader’s ass because said cheerleader was perpetuating said rumor. This song showed up in so many cheerleading routines that season. OMG! My ears, they were bleeding.

So Gaz and I fought back. Gaz used to go to a really good (but expensive and that’s why she doesn’t go there anymore) gym in our area, we’ll give them the initials GAF for the sake of this discussion. (Call me paranoid, but I try to keep some level of anonymity here and I don’t want some Googling psycho cheer mom to stumble upon this blog, m’kay?) Their lock-ins are the stuff of legend, they’re that fun. So fun, in fact, that sometimes they have parent/kid lock-ins and the parents have more fun than the kids. It was at such an event that Gaz and I became GAF Idols. GAF Idol is basically a karaoke contest. The first time Gaz and I competed in GAF Idol, we did 1985 by Bowling for Soup — with cue cards ala INXS’ “Mediate” video — we kicked ass and totally won. Being the competitive freaks that we both are, we had to step it up for the next lock-in. So with 3 days notice, I put this together:

Uh huh, We’re GAF
We’re number 1 and we’re National Champs

I can’t wait hit that mat
Cuz I’m tired of hearin’ you talk that smack
Cause you ain’t no GAF girl, I’m an GAF girl
I can’t wait hit that mat
Cuz I’m tired of hearin’ you talk that smack
Cause you ain’t no GAF girl, I’m an GAF girl
Oooh, watch us win, we’re GAF
Oooh, watch us win, we’re GAF
Oooh, watch us win, we’re GAF
Oooh, watch us win, we’re GAF

I heard you say your gym’s the best
I don’t think so, I think you’re dreaming
Most you can hope for is second place, ‘cuz first is gonna’be ours
We’ve got it all, best coaches and staff
[redacted]
We set the standard, demand respect, oh yeah, and we win big.

CHORUS

Our walls are covered with banners and trophies
From the past 3 years, not 1980
You can say you’re gyms a winner, but we can back it up
We’re gonna’ be sharp, gonna give it our all
Gonna’ rock your world, gonna bring it on
That’s right, when the cameras flash, that picture’s gonna be us

CHORUS

Let me hear you say, we’re the best
B-E-S-T, we’re the best
National Champs
C-H-A-M-P-S – Champs
Again, we’re the best
B-E-S-T, we’re the best
National Champs
C-H-A-M-P-S – Champs

CHORUS

Um, okay. I wrote this parody in an afternoon and Gaz and I learned it in about 2 hours. I made cue cards in case either one of us got lost in the middle of the song. Needless to say we were victorious again. The cue cards disappeared and reappeared on the walls of the parent viewing area. By the end of the next week, everyone knew the song. Everyone.

So at competition when those gym’s that had Hollaback Girl in their routine hit the mat, the girls would sing along. With the lyrics above. I know, right?

Fast forward to last week.

MEH has been picking up Gaz from cheerleading practice. When they got home they were telling me about the what will probably be the next Hollaback Girl.

“I hate that stupid song! Gah!” - Gaz

The song is Girlfriend, the latest by Avril Lavigne. Excuse me for a sec, I need to go vomit.

Okay, I’m back. So I finally heard this song yesterday watching the video on YouTube and it made me feel a little stabby.

I think the reasoning behind Gaz’s vehement hatred for this song is not just because:

a) it’s the worst. song. ever;
b) that the premise of the song breaks the cardinal rule of “you don’t blatantly try to steal another girl’s boyfriend”;
c) every gym is going to use a cut of this song in their routines, not realizing that she actually says “motherfucking princess” in there;
d) “OMG Avril, just because you shop at Hot Topic, that doesn’t make you punk”,

but because Avril totally ganked her look.

Exhibit A


Performing “Flavor of the Weak” by American Hi-Fi - Fall 2004

Exhibit B

Publicity shot for “Best Damn Thing” - Spring 2007

OMG! and this:

Now I’m pissed. I think I need to go burn everything I own that’s got a pink skull on it.

There was a point to this post. Somewhere. I think.

Well, excuse me while I go re-write this song so Gaz and I will have something to mockingly sing during cheerleading season.

I seriously need to get a life.