When dinosaurs walked the earth I went to elementary school. Every year, my mom would buy me a composition notebook or two, some pencils, a new ruler (because I always managed to lose them), a bottle of glue, an eraser and the year I had my tonsils out, a really cool Peanuts pencil box. It was shaped like a school bus and had Charlie Brown, Lucy, Linus, Sally and Snoopy’s faces in the windows. The pencil sharpener was shaped like Snoopy’s doghouse. It had a tape dispenser and an eraser shaped like Woodstock. It ruled!

We were never given a list of supplies. And I’m sure if a list existed, “12 glue sticks” would not be on that list. Like Chrissie, the lists I got for Gaz and Rico are about a mile long. So the other day I was talking about going school supply shopping. Ugh!

Here’s Rico’s list:

3 boxes Crayola crayons, 24 count
1 box Crayola markers, fat tip, classic colors
12 #2 pencils
2 pink erasers
1 pair safety scissors (no plastic blades)
2 bottles white glue (4 oz.)
12 glue sticks
2 boxes tissue (200 count)
1 plastic school box (cigar size)
4 spiral notebooks, standard (wide) rule (70 pages)
6 pocket folders with brads
1 box Ziploc bags (boys - gallon; girls - quart)

I brought in all Rico’s supplies on Monday and put the notebooks, folders and school box (green - containing his scissors, markers, 2 pencils, one eraser and 1 glue stick), in his desk. Everything else went into baskets because they “share”. Yesterday afternoon Rico came home with a notebook that I didn’t purchase for him. Well, at least it was green, his favorite color. When I opened it up to see what he did for the day, I saw it was college rule. This just pissed me off to no end. I’m sick and tired of going out and buying supplies and paying attention to the freakin’ list and then have my kid end up with a notebook that’s college rule because some dumb ass parent bought the 10 pack at Target for $2.99. I’m calling bullshit. My kid should not have to write in tiny little letters on tiny college rule lines because I BOUGHT HIM THE RIGHT NOTEBOOKS!!!! AHHHHH!! Then I pull his daily folder out of his backpack. I always buy plastic pocket folders because the paper ones get trashed in backpacks. It’s a paper folder. It’s also green, but THIS IS NOT THE FOLDER I BOUGHT HIM!!! WTF??!?! Why give me a fucking list then send other people’s crap home with my kid? Why?

Am I the only one that’s pissed about all this? Surely, I can’t be.

Oh wait, it gets better. Rico came home with a second list of supplies for his Autism class. I have to go out to the store again. Great. It also means I’ll have to pick through what’s left at Walmart, Target and HEB to hopefully find everything on this second list. Wish me luck.

2 sets of 5 tabs dividers
2 boxes of Kleenex
1 bottle of hand sanitizer
2 rolls paper towels
2 shaving cream
1 pack glue sticks
1 regular glue
1 scissors
1 package of markers
1 box crayons
1 spiral for communication log
5 pocket folders
1 gallon bags
1 sandwich bags

Why am I sending paper towels to school? Can someone tell me this? Crap.

Gaz is in 5th Grade. Here’s her list:

1 box Crayola crayons, 24 count
1 box Crayola markers, thin, classic colors
1 box colored pencils, map colors
8 #2 pencils
1 pink eraser
2 ball point pens (black or blue)
4 red ball point pens
2 highlight markers
1 pair Fiskars scissors - pointed
1 bottle white glue (4 oz.)
1 glue sticks
1 box tissue (200 count)
1 zipper pocket
1 12″ dual-scale ruler
2 sets of dividers (8 pack)
1 pack 4×6 index cards
2-4 1-subject spiral notebooks - wide rule (70 pages)
1 composition notebooks
4 packs 200 count looseleaf paper - wide rule
3 pocket folders with brads
1 box Ziploc bags (boys - gallon; girls - quart)

I put my foot down and made an executive decision and passed on the spiral notebooks . We bought a 3-ring binder because normally the kids tear their homework out of the notebook and turn it in.

We went to “Meet the Teacher” for Gaz on Monday afternoon and found out that she needed a cube of Post-it notes, a ring binder and two more composition notebooks. I congratulated myself on the whole 3-ring binder decision. Yay me! Since I’m addicted to post-it notes, finding an unopened cube of cool neon ones wasn’t a big deal. The two extra composition notebooks, however, was another story. It would have been nice of the teacher to tell me this little requirement on Friday when she called to tell me Gaz was in her class because — holy shit! — I went to Target, Walmart & HEB and there are NO COMPOSITION NOTEBOOKS. Anywhere. Really. I gave up and bought two 6×7 spirals at Target and sent them in with Gaz yesterday. Luckily, Michele found some in her mad rush to find 12 x 18 construction paper and she picked up two for me. Michele rules that way. If anyone has any idea where to find 12 x 18 construction paper in various colors in the central Austin area, please let me know, because I don’t think it exists and Michele still needs some.

I think next year everyone is getting the supply pack the the PTO puts together. If I remember to fill out the form that comes home at the end of the year, that is.

*sigh*

Yay! This summer vacation was a long one since Texas schools are working towards starting the school year at the same time (day after Labor Day) as the East Coast (rest of the country?).

What a freaking pain in the ass it was getting Rico to school today! I was wishing I drove a ginormous SUV with a ramming bumper on it this morning to just slam every car that contained a driver who was all, “Um, which way do I go?” I exercised so much self-control. Be impressed.

I’ve outlined below a couple of pointers for parents of children in the schools in my neighborhood for future first days of school. Heed them people.

SOME RULES FOR PARENTS ON THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL

1. The first bell is at 7:45 a.m. In case you were wondering.
2. Don’t speed. There are cops everywhere for the first week of school. When a cop pulls you over, you cause traffic and make us all late.
3. If you are within walking distance of the school, please walk. Those of us who live 1.5 miles away would rather park in the parking lot rather than the grass two blocks away and across the street from the school.
4. Leave your video camera at home. The only exception is if this is your child’s first day of school ever. Even then, there is no reason to videotape their entrance into school. No one on YouTube wants to see this video. None of your relatives want to see this video. Really. However, if you still feel must do this, refrain from blocking the doorway and lobby of the school. Shouting direction at your child (as well as the children and parents around you) as if you’re Quentin Tarantino is not appreciated. Do you realize how much you’re embarrassing your child? Do you realize how much you are annoying the other parents? Obviously not. Yes, I’m talking to you lady with the video camera who board checked my son to get the money shot and then had the audacity to give me a dirty look when I said, “Excuse me.” Bitch. Your kid was as tall as me and probably is in 5th Grade. She looked mortified. Congratulations.
5. Leave your still camera home, too. Holy shit, Rico and I felt like Brad and Angelina being attacked by the paparazzi.  Seriously.
6. Bring your school supplies in before the first day of school. Please. That’s what “Meet the Teacher” night is for. Although, I will say that Rico’s school did not publicize this very well. Be proactive. Call the school and find out ahead of time. Or check the school website. If you were a moron like me and did none of those things, arrange to drop off school supplies the day before like I did. The lady in the office will give you attitude, but be assertive. Believe me, you’ll be glad you did.
7. This brings me to the all-important school supply list. This is one of my biggest pet peeves having to do with school. Four 200 sheet packs of looseleaf paper seems excessive for 5th Grade doesn’t it? It is, because I’ve gotten the 3 packs of paper back every year for the past 2 years.  I pointed this out to Gaz’s teacher when we turned them in yesterday afternoon and she laughed and said, “We’ll use them!”  We’ll see.  Also, why in the world does a 1st grader need 12 glue sticks? Why? As Steen asks, “What, are they cutting the lunch budget?” If I’m buying supplies for the whole class, just be honest about it.

There you go.

Today is the first day of school. We’re really excited because Gaz & Rico both have great teachers this year. We’ve been pretty lucky so far in that aspect.

Gaz’s teacher is one of the toughest 5th Grade teachers, but she’s really high energy and is a total Science Goddess. So this year should be a total blast since Science is one of Gaz’s favorite subjects.

Rico had a wonderful 1st Grade teacher. She’s cute and creative and decorated her whole classroom with a cowboy theme. That scored major points with Rico when we met her yesterday. Despite this, he wasn’t really happy about the whole going to school this morning as evidenced here:

He’s so not a morning person.

And I’m bulleting it because I luuurrrve my star bullets and hardly ever use them.

• School starts next Tuesday. Enough said.

• Attention Whore just called me from what sounded like a concert. Or maybe it was a really loud bar.  Or maybe she just called me by accident. Either way, that was pretty cool. The last time I got a call like this, she was at the Gwen Stefani concert. That kind of ruled. Mystery solved.  Kind of.  Hmm. Thanks RSM!

• Michele & Co. flew in to Austin today. Forever. YAY!

• I still have to call Katie to plan her bachlorette party. Also, now that she has overcome her fear of puppets, maybe we can have a ventriloquist stripper. Okay, I know of no such thing, but really, that could be interesting.

• School starts in 6 days.

• I had deleted my 1,001st spam comment tonight. What’s up with that?

• I won not one, but 2 virtual trophies for Rico playing Goober’s Lab on Webkinz. Goober’s lab is a Webkinz-ized version of Bejeweled. So “boo whore” on all of you who made fun of me for my shameless addiction to that time-sucking game. Who knew my mad skillz would warrant a trophy? Yay me.

• I watched My Super Ex-Girlfriend the other night and thought it was hilarious. There’s really something wrong with me. I also had no idea Eddie Izzard was in it. He rules.

• If you don’t believe me, you obviously have not seen Dress to Kill yet. I suggest you go rent buy it and watch it as soon as possible now. Trust me. Besides, it will be worth it just to understand what the hell I’m talking about when I say things like So my choice is ‘or death’? or Mais, la souris est en dessous la table, le chat est sur la chaise et le singe est… est… le singe est disparu.

• I’m totally addicted to the tournament area of Webkinz. Someone shoot me now.

• I made like a bazillion hair bows this week. Some look like this:

Feel free to mock my ugly ironing board cover.

• I had lettuce wraps from PF Chang’s on Saturday night. I know, right? Be jealous.

• I’m not feeling well, but I’m not sick enough to warrant making a doctor’s appointment. I just feel crappy. *sigh*

• Did I say school starts next Tuesday? Well it does.

• Rico’s school supply list says he needs 12 glue sticks. I’m assuming that’s a typo. However, you never can be sure.

Okay, that’s it.

Gaz always asks for stuff when we’re in the store. Sometimes it’s normal things like a pack a gum other times it’s some ridiculously over-priced thing to decorate her room. Like this $499 chaise from Bombay Company.

Curse you Bombay Company, you evil, over-priced, yet awesome store! Because 9 times out of 10 she knows the answer will be “no” — or in the case of the above-mentioned chaise, “Oh hell no!” — she has adopted as her personal motto is “if you don’t ask, it’s an automatic no”.

It’s become a joke between us. She takes it to the extreme sometimes, especially if we’re in Home Depot. We’ll pass the power tool section and she’ll point to something like this and say, “Oooo, can we get this??” I’ll roll my eyes and she’ll add, “for Daddy!”

Rico, on the other hand never asks for anything unless we’re in the grocery store and there’s some new Disney-inspired cereal on the shelves. Like this Little Einsteins cereal that is still sitting in our pantry after about 3 months.

I’m a pushover when it comes to Rico asking for stuff. Whether it be Airheads, gummi bears or Sour Patch Kids. I almost always say yes. It’s his little face. He’s got those chubby little cheeks and he looks so sincere and hopeful when he asks, “Mommy, can I get these gummi bears, please?”

Yesterday I ran some errands with Rico and Gaz. We were in the store and Rico said, “Ooo, Mommy can we please, please get this movie?” He caught me on an off moment when my ADD was in full swing. I said yes. He had picked up this:

OMG! RSM warned me that these cartoon charaters were evil incarnate. Did I listen? NO. AHHHHHH!!! This DVD is in heavy rotation in our house now. WHYYYYYY! Oh why do you exist Wonder Pets??!?! Ugh! That freakin’ song:

Wonder Pets, Wonder Pets!
we’re on our way
to help a friend
and save the day!

We’re not to big
and we’re not to tough
but when we work together
we got the right stuff!
Go, Wonder Pets! Yeay!

Someone kill me.

Now.

Please?