Well, the day says it all! All the anti-faieies are out and about.

My fairies are gooing to work over time! Let’s bring it on! The F*#k Off Friday List is here. We all have a gripes that needs to be let out, no advice needed. Just get it out and then you feel better. RIGHT???

It is the weekend from hell! I doubt that teh devil could handle a Raza wedding! Hey, I love being messican (as oppossed to messican’t). I think that is where my inner rage comes from… the Indian side is where I get the evil thinking from. Anyhoo, my cousin is marrying my brother’s best friend. Young love…….GROSS! But I have to admit it has been entertaining. Here are some high points:

1. Bridezilla is in the house!
2. Wedding dress…..damn girl is brave!! Yes, I can say this shit because it is a family event and I really don’t want to see her twins or any rolls. I myself am heavy but I am not in the ghetto and I feel the urge to wear clothes that tight. Hey, but I am impressed with herself esteem! So, you go girl!!
3. Invitation notes where they are registered! Apparently they didn’t get the memo from Emily.
4. If #3 wasn’t tacky enough. Telling family exactly what she wants us to buy for her. OH, HELL NO! I was thinking about pickin’ something up at the garage sale in my hood tomorrow and be that messican. Well, maybe a gag gift just to be a bitch.
5. Did I mention she didn’t invite all the family??? We are mexican we are always about a party and when your drunk the more the merrier. Just that reason is the reason to go. She has pissed off the family. I think that maybe the mob maybe more forgiving. She will be kissing ass for a LONG time. Again, I know this because my dad’s side of the family are still kissing our asses. (That is a movie of the week, I will have to write one day.)
6. She is getting married in a strip mall chapel??? She didn’t want to get married in her hometown, where she could have gotten married with her WHOLE family. But, then again they were going to go Vegas.
7. Has treated her mother like CRAP, but praises her future mother-in-law for everything. Then expects her mom and dad to give into every damand..to keep the peace. I have said nothing. But have restrianed myself to making a smart ass comment here and there.
8. My other cousin and I will start drinking before the weeding that is at noon. There has been talk about bringing a flask, but finding one to match my outfit is a bitch! Do I have share??
9. I think that I am going to sit on the groom’s side….. I can swap the gossip with other members of the family. Cool, right?
10. My family is coming to town……and my aunt FLO and uncle RED are here for a visit,too.

Bitch on!!!

I wrote about my friend Opa a while back.

She’s wanted to contribute here as her alter-ego Raza Evil (hereinafter “RE”).  Since I’m partially responsible contributing to her level of evilness, I was happy to accommodate her request. So keep an eye out for her posts.

She rules.

Woman on Telephone: You don’t have any firearms in the house do you?
Phone: [inaudible]
WOT: Good.
Phone: [inaudible]
WOT: Oh, girl, you watch way too much CSI.
Phone: [inaudible]
WOT: [laughs] Sopranos does start tonight, doesn’t it.
Phone: [inaudible]
WOT: Yeah, you do strike me as more of a blunt-force trauma kind of gal.
WOT’s husband in background: WHAT??????

Well, well, well my Michelle

Michelle is coming to visit next week. Yes!

*commence happy dance*

Michelle is my best friend. We have those matching charm bracelets and everything. Um, okay, if you believed that, then you don’t know me at all do you? Michelle is my homegirl. She is one of my few friends that I can just be my actual self with. My no holds barred New Jersey self. The self that would make the other cheer moms and neighbors run screaming from the room.

Michelle’s daughter and Gaz were friends on the same team at cheer two years ago. We decided to carpool and split the hotel room cost for one of the competitions the girls were in. The rest, as they say, is history. It was a weekend of alcohol, profanity, 2 whiny girls that had to be up at 4:30 a.m. in order to be at a venue a half hour away from our hotel in full make up and uniform at 6:15 a.m. Gaz was being a huge drama queen when I was putting her make up on and I had finally had enough and said:

“You know what, Gaz, this whole cheerleading thing was not my idea, it was yours. I know it sucks to be up at 4:30 in the morning, but for right now you need to let me put your makeup. We can be done with this and actually eat some breakfast before we have to leave. If we leave on time, we may be able to hit a Starbucks on the way and then Mommy will be a happy camper. However, if you’re going to keep giving me a hard time, we’re going to be late. If we’re late your coach is going to yell at me. Not you. Me. Frankly, your coach kind of scares me. If she yells at me before I’ve had enough caffeine, I may just have to cut her.”

Michelle looked at her daughter and looked at me and said, “I don’t think I could have articulated that as well as you just did without dropping the f-bomb, but I’m so there with you on the Starbucks thing.”

I knew at that moment we would be friends. Not only are we friends, but all 4 kids get along and *gasp*, MEH gets along and is actually friends with Michelle’s husband, Mike.

Last October, Michelle called me with some news. Mike got a job offer with a new company, but the company was in Portand, Oregon. When she told me the amount of money and all the perks included, the conversation went like this:

CE: OMG, I’m going to miss you guys.
M: Well, we haven’t actually decided anything yet.
CE: Oh, please, that’s like Corleone money.
M: I know, right?
CE: The fact that you knew what I meant by that and have never seen The Godfather frightens me.
M: I thought you were going to go with “You can’t leave, all the plants are going to die,” but I have no indoor gardening skills to speak of.
GM: I know, right?

So Michelle & Mike and their 2 girls moved to Vancouver, WA in January. Just this past summer, Michelle and her youngest, Gaz and I met in NJ. She witnessed the horror that is my mother and I interacting and sided with me. Mike’s buddy in Hong Kong hooked us up with a suite at the St. Regis Hotel on Fifth Avenue for 3 days. We had a blast. On the day we were leaving, we went to Tiffany. I bought us matching Tiffany keyrings. This was something Michelle and I had been talking about since we started planning the trip. The girls were being, well, 9 year olds (it had been a long day and my in-laws were involved) and frankly, they kind of ruined the whole experience.

M: I almost wish we hadn’t brought the girls.
CE: I know, right?
M: I’m such a selfish bitch.
CE: You say that like it’s a bad thing.
M: I know, right?

Michelle is the sister I never had. She is one of the few people that I cannot shock. She curses even more creatively than I do. And she makes some mean raspberry jelly.

I told her I was going to blog about her today in this conversation:

M: Oh cool … wait, you mean on the internet? Can you check something for me?
CE: Sure.
M: Go to www.omnicheer.com. Now how am I supposed to figure out how the sizes run?
CE: Did you try clicking on “size chart” right under the picture of the skirt?
M: Oh… don’t say a word or won’t cut your hair, by the way, oh and what color is it now?
CE: *sigh* Bitch.
M: You say that like it’s a bad thing.

I can’t wait until next Wednesday!